MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Today is my mom's 72nd birthday. Yes, she is a Christmas baby! I guess that's on of the reasons she loved decorating. Growing up, if we planned to give her a separate birthday gift, it had to be wrapped not in Christmas paper but birthday paper. LOL! I understand.

This year I won't be with her for her birthday. I decided to journey to Louisiana to be with family. My youngest daughter stayed behind and will celebrate with mom.

Tis the Season.........

3 days before I was admitted into the hospital, I decorated mom's room with Christmas goodies. She always loved decorating her home for the holiday, so it was very important to me. In spite of the seizure twitches I was having, I got the job done. Made the wreath myself! She was pleased with it.
Last Monday, the day after I got out of the hospital, I went to visit my mom. I wanted her to know I was okay. like some sort of scientist, she's trying to figure out why I have 2 tumors on my brain. LOL! That dementia is something else! I'm so glad I managed to decorated her room. Christmas is her birthday.

Get a Hobby 2

As a caregiver who, minister, counselor, & teacher who is also dealing with senseless family drama, I MUST have an outlet to escape momentarily from reality (if that makes sense). Here’s what I find to be a great stress relief: SCRAPBOOKING and DOODLE JOURNALING. A wonderful young lady gifted me with the journal book, and inside I write and/or doodle random thinking. It’s such a great stress relief tool that I even use it with the survivors of sex abuse support group.

 

DISCLAIMER: Top right and bottom left pics are examples taken from the internet. The other 2 are actually from my book.

Get a Hobby!

Being a caregiver means you must pay a price. You pay through the many sacrifices you are required to make. You must sacrifice your time, feelings, and even finances. You may even feel as if your family has abandoned you. No phone calls, no help, no support. I find peace through my relationship with God. I am strengthened by His Word.

Recently, I developed a liking to 2 hobbies- doodle journaling and scrapbooking. I also like to garden but my own health issues has kept me from working. Both, if but for a moment, takes me away from my problems and give me a sense of accomplishment. Below is a pic of a recent page for my photo album.

Remember!

Mom was in the corner of the room facing the wall. She had one of her socks off and holding the bare foot up. She said she was getting a pedicure. The pedicurist was an "invisible" person. She told me to shut up and wait until she was done. So I waited 10 minutes. The things I have to do. LOL!

 

I received the pictured journal as a gift. It has numerous questions about life: as a child, Family life, favorite things, etc. I thought it would be a great tool to use to get her talking and to help her to remember. I was right! She loves it! Her memory about childhood events was very sharp today. The journey begins...I'm writing mom's story and making her a memory book. BEST VISIT EVER!

Dementia Got Me Thinking

My heart aches for the many people I've counseled who experienced horrible & abusive parenting. They're still bitter. Remember, God chose your parents. He wanted their DNA to create you. That bitterness you carry is like a cancer- it started with your parents but now it has spread to other relationships and areas of your life. One day your parents, like my mom, may have dementia or some other disease that eats away their lives.. Bitterness has no place in the life of an adult child whose parent is ill. Move on, forgive. The one who is bitter and unforgiving is the one with the problem.

The pic is an excerpt from my afternoon devotion.

OVERWHELMED!

3/20/2014

DEMENTIA CHRONICLES: Mom has lost 5% of her body weight since last Thanksgiving.

She doesn’t eat much because sometimes she: 1) Forgets how to eat, 2) Doesn’t like the food, or 3) Thinks she is eating when she is not.

 

In the picture, mom is sipping on a cup of coffee. I observed her spooning in sugar and even stirring. She slowly lifted the cup to her mouth, took sips and then carefully returned the cup to the table. She believes the coffee is there, but, invisible to me. She sometimes believes I see her hallucinations, but I just won't admit it.

 

Dementia is a HORRIBLE disease that kills. Walking through this with mom is making me a BETTER person, but I pray it doesn’t make me BITTER – I can handle the mistreatment my mom gives…it’s expected & excused…. she has dementia. This has been an emotional rollercoaster – I’d be okay with it, if it was mom that put me on the ride.  My husband and kids has been amazing!  I don’t know what I’d do without them! I am grateful to God for ministering to me.  He keeps me going!

 

I wish my family would give me a little support. A call here and there asking how am I doing would be nice. It's hard to believe that I am doing this alone without the support of my family. To add, I have been dealing with a major health issue since last September. I am in such extreme pain that I don't sleep much. Hip and knee swelling and pain has left me unable to sit too long. The pain never stops! My progress in physical therapy has been slow. With all of this, I am tending to mom and dad ALONE!

• I tend to both of my parents finances---alone.
• I am handling my dad's illness and possibly moving him here with me---alone.
• I am paying for mom's personal needs---alone.
• I am watching my mom deteriorate---alone.
• I am handling medical decisions, which I really don't have a clue about---alone.

 

Family, if you are reading this---AM I LYING? Why don't you call and ask "How are you doing? How is mom doing?" What did I do to deserve this? I feel alone and abandoned.

52 Years of Marriage...Let's Celebrate????

2/17/2014

I know it's been a while since I posted. I've actually been posting what
is called "Dementia Chronicles" on my Facebook page. They have been a blessing to so many there. I've decided to include those entries on this blog as well.

So much has happened since my last entry. Because of her behavior (fights), mom was evicted from one nursing home and placed in another. She has a private room and is doing much better socially.

DEMENTIA CHRONICLES: Today is my parents' 52 wedding anniversary. Mom doesn't remember. Dad is living in New Orleans while mom is in an Arkansas nursing home. MARRIAGES - make the most of your marriage each day. Stop the pettiness! Prioritize your marriage. CELEBRATE and encourage your mate each day. You don't know what tomorrow holds so love, and love some more TODAY! .....Today is the first time ever that I can't tell my mom Happy Anniversary.....she doesn't remember

I can't imagine what my dad is going through today. He can't celebrate with his wife of 52 years. WOW!

This is not good - The Video

This is mom today, Oct. 24, 2013. She is having one of her "in a far country" dementia episodes. She is extremely paranoid, delusional, disoriented, combative, and uncooperative. This is saddening because I have never seen mom in this way. Cuss words were used as if she was a master cussologist. She doesn't care about who she hurts or how she talks. I really hate seeing her this way.

In life, my mom was passive. Today she exhibited an unhealthy mix of verbal aggression and  a rambunctious presentation style. This was not the day to wear your feelings on your sleeves, nor to take what she said personal. Everyone in her path was a target, and she was an out of control shooter!

I love my mom and miss her dearly!

This is Not Good!

The Nursing Home called today. Mom fell out of the bed last night and is complaining about having severe back pains. The home ordered x-rays to be done to make sure she doesn’t have complicated injuries. Unfortunately, mom was being very uncooperative. She was kicking, cussing, and not wanting the x-rays. She was so combative that I was asked to come in to talk with her. Although I was in extreme pain from knee and hip problems, I agreed to help. MISTAKE! I brought more physical pain upon myself by going to the home.

Disoriented and struggling to negotiate the turns and movements in her wheelchair, mom was almost at the front entry door when I arrived. Since she couldn’t see me as I observed for a minute and then greeted her. She was very hostile and upset with me. She believes I am working in cahoots with the nursing home. She is extremely paranoid. She also said she spoke to dad who would be picking her up. Can we say HALLUCENATIONS!

I believe she has entered another realm in her illness. It broke my heart to see her this way. Her mind is rapidly deteriorating. Observations include:

• Her using the “f” word towards me and the staff.
• Her pushing a patient in a wheelchair out of her way.
• Her aggressively approaching me with the wheelchair, not caring that she was running into me.
• Her demanding that I leave because she doesn’t like me nor wants me around.
• Her demanding that I take her outside so that she could leave.
• Stains on her pants, perhaps food. This has happened before when she becomes elusive

The home was sending her to the hospital for behavior evaluation. They wanted a family member to go with her, however, I am in no condition to drive the 35 miles, sit several hours in the ER and then suffer through admission. The home then decided to try to put her into a hospital closer. The social worker will have to stay with her until she is admitted. That’s what they get paid to do. She was just trying to get me to do her job by sitting with my mom.

Admission Drama

10/23/2013

The Nursing Home Business office called today. Thank God it wasn’t about mom’s conduct. I feel like the parent who gets the daily call from their behavioral challenged kid’s school principal.

Mom is still not officially admitted into the Nursing Home. Because she doesn’t have enough funds to pay for the monthly room, I applied for Medicaid to supplement her income. The Obamacare was probably easier to pass congress than mom’s application for Medicaid. They require an excessive amount of certified documentation including house deed, marriage license, insurance policies, bank statements, and so much more. I also had to turn my mom’s Life insurance into an irrevocable burial policy because she could not have assets. That means no inheritance for her family. SAD! Even after all of the forms I have turned in, Medicaid wants more. This process is overwhelming, frustrating, and draining. With all of this work she still could be denied. If that happens, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have no choice but to trust God!

Chilldlike mom - The Video

This was recorded after telling mom that she has to stop hitting people. She was not receptive and resorted to this “childlike” behavior. This type of behavior is common when she does not get her way, and/or is mad with me. She becomes childish and uncooperative during these moments. For me, it’s very frustrating because sometimes it is evident that she is purposely acting out. Like a child, she uses these expressions for manipulation. I usually end the visit because I don’t want her to believe she is pulling my strings. Amazingly, when she sees I’m about to leave, she’ll agree to stop acting out. MANIPULATION!

I’m A Lover, Not a Fighter

10/22/2013  

In the song “The Girl Is Mine” Michael Jackson pen’s the infamous line “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” This is not my mom’s testimony. Mom has been in the nursing home for 12 days, and today she has been moved to her not 1st, not 2nd, but 3^rd room. Why all the moves? Mom is a fighter!

In the first room, she hit her roommate. The rommie had a witness, therefore after filing an incident report, mom was moved. During my visit 3 days ago, the nurse informed me that mom hit a male resident as she entered the dining area. Yesterday, I got a call from the social worker telling me that mom not only hit her rommie, but the roomie hit her back with a vase leaving a bump on her head.  The doctor looked mom over and she appears okay. They will be running a few test to make sure she has no internal injuries.

Today, mom was moved again. The staff thought it was best to move her away from the rommie which she attacked. My mom blames those she assault for attacking her first. I find this hard to believe since she has hit me, and hit several nurses when she was hospitalized at Baptist Geriatrics. I’m hoping that medicine adjustments will adjust “the fight” in mom. If she hits another person, she will be moved to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. I have talked to her. She was not receptive and she was very mean towards me. In an attempt to change her attitude, I told her that if she continues hitting people I wouldn’t visit as much. She said she would stop hitting people because she doesn’t want me to decrease my visits. We shall see!

My mom is stressing me out! Her violence is of great concern. I’m afraid that she will harm someone and/or get hurt. I am glad she is in a facility because I know we would not have been able to handle “Gangsta mom.” LOL!

Can’t We All Just Get Along! - Moving Day 2

10/17/2013 

Mom was admitted to Southern Trace exactly 1 week ago. Her roommate who had been hospitalized returned on Monday. During my visit on Wednesday, the rommie said that she was afraid of mom. She claims mom had clenched her fist in an attempt to hit her. She also said mom cursed her out. The roomie informed me that she wanted mom moved out. Mom said the roomie cussed her out. So who’s telling the truth? They both are. The social worker stated there was a cussing match between the two of them. That literally made me LOL!

Today, the social worker called to tell me that they would be moving mom to another room. Supposedly the rommie and one of her friends said that mom hit her in the head. Since mom can’t see, I wonder how in the world did mom accomplish that feat! She does see shadows, so it’s not impossible, however, I believe the roomie was determined to get mom out.  We’ll see how the new room goes. Glad I hadn’t hung pictures on the wall.

I told my husband today, mom is in a nursing home, yet she is still stressing me out! It’s hard to rest with the frequent phone calls from the nursing home.

After 7 days in the home, and only 3 days with a roomie, mom is moved because she and the roomie could not get along!

Here are a few pics of the facility. I pray she doesn’t get evicted.

Mom Has Dementia

10/11/2013

Mom was hospitalized from September 27 through October 9. It was a rough 14 days. Her behavior caused me to suspect dementia. Mom had EVERY symptom described in this Wikipedia article:

Dementia is not merely a problem of memory. It reduces the ability to learn, reason, retain or recall past experience and there is also loss of patterns of thoughts, feelings and activities. Additional mental and behavioral problems often affect people who have dementia, and may influence quality of life, caregivers, and the need for institutionalization. As dementia worsens individuals may neglect themselves and may become disinhibited and may become incontinent. (Gelder et al. 2005). Behaviour may be disorganized, restless or inappropriate. Some people become restless or wander about by day and sometimes at night. When people with dementia are put in circumstances beyond their abilities, there may be a sudden change to tears or anger (a "catastrophic reaction").^[4] A common symptom of dementia for dementia sufferers to deny that relatives, even relatives in their immediate family, are their own relatives.

Thursday (1O/9/2013), I had the very difficult task of not only telling mom she has been diagnosed with dementia, but also that she would not be coming home to my house. The medical test revealed she will be needing 24 hour care. Even though I was pretty sure she had dementia, hearing the test results was a hard pill to swallow.

This is a conversation I had with mom 2 days ago. She was in a pretty good mood, even after telling her the news. Even though she is delusional in this conversation, this is what she’s like on a very good day.

 

 

Mom's Away

10/5/2013

Finally, a minute to blog! I’ve been very busy.

Mom’s in the hospital. She was admitted 8 days ago, on my husband’s birthday, Sept. 27^th. The vents that led up to her hospitalization were horrific! I’ll try to blog about it later.

Taking care of mom is a lot of work. Cooking, cleaning, lifting, laundry, up at night because she doesn't sleep, the mood swings. She’s damaged my dining tabled, locked herself in the bathroom, fed “invisible people” real food, hit me, cussed me out several times, kept my daughter and I up 3 nights in a row, and helped to reinjure my knee. 

After 8 free days, you’d think I'd enjoy the time off, however, I MISS MY MOMMA! This can only mean one thing-----my home IS her home!

My #1 Critic

9/23/2013

Who would have thought it! My #1 critic lives in the house with me. It’s not my husband. It’s not my children. It’s my mom.

Mom has ALWAYS been critical of me. Early childhood memories includes her trying to scrub the ugly “dirt” off my knee using soap, alcohol, and yes, a brillo pad. How did they miss the fact that the “dirt” is a birthmark?

How about the teenage years when she and dad would comb my hair over my forehead and demand that I continue this practice because my forehead was too big, I always wore bangs even in my adult years because I was believed my parents when they said my forehead had to be hid. That shame stayed with me until my thirties.

From my adolescent to teen years, mom would repeatedly tell me that my sister was her right hand. She was the one mom could depend on. Since living with me she admitted to my husband and me about making those almost daily comments.  Yep, you guessed it, I struggled with low self esteem. SHOCKING isn’t it! LOL! My parents has always been critical of me.

So mom has been with me for 7 weeks now. Mom is still the same. CRITICAL. She’s eating better than she’s eaten in the past 20 years, yet, she has something negative to say about the food I prepare. She doesn’t complain about my husband or my daughter’s cooking.

This day, she said my pasta was too hard. I asked her why does she complain about everything I make, and she responded, “I thought I should tell the truth.” I then told her it would be nice to hear “thank you.”

Here’s a sad truth. Many people in my church and other places I serve are always celebrating and encouraging me. They see my heart for service. My mom……she loves to point out what’s wrong with me. Taking the words from Will Smith, Sometimes in life parents just don’t understand.

Today Was A Good Day!

9/17/2013

That's an old song by Ice Cube -"Today Was A Good Day" - and that's the song I'm singing. Mom slept ALL DAY! No episodes, no dead people, no DRAMA! Thank you Lord.

I'm praying this isn't the calm before the storm. Heavenly Father, please give my mom peace and a restful sleep. I pray tomorrow at this time I'll still be singing "Today Was a Good Day."

I See Dead People- That’s Mom’s Story and She’s Sticking to It!

9/6/2013

The last 48 hours has been quite eventful. Mom has been living in her “imagination land.” Yesterday, almost immediately after talking to her sister who lives in Louisiana (we’re in Arkansas), mom nervously informed me that the same sister had died. How did she know this? Her dead sister came to my house and informed her. Mom was frantically looking for my cousin’s phone number so that she could call her with this information. Of course I didn’t allow it. It took a while for me to calm her.

About 2 am this morning, mom came to my bedroom and called for my husband, BD. She sound very upset. I stayed in the bed because I was still processing the “sister is dead” drama. Mom tells BD that our daughter, VT, blew up (literally with air), exploded and died. BD had to prove to her that this was not true by bringing her into our daughter’s bedroom. BD picked up a pillow that my mom identified as VT’s head. By this time, I went to my mom’s room.  It took 30 minutes to calm her. VT said mom repeatedly checked on her during the night.

 This morning we woke mom up for breakfast. She thought she was in Louisiana. After settling her down, it seemed like she was going to be okay. BOY, WE WERE WRONG!

Today was the worse day mom has had. She thought dead people who had been shot were on her bedroom floor. She was panicky and worried about them. She said she called an ambulance in her mind. Several times she opened the front door to let the police and ambulance crew in. She would not eat because she was worried about the imaginary dead people who were injured. Comedian Paul Moon said, “People dying who never died before.” In my house, people die who died before. LOL! We must laugh to keep our sanity!

Mom hallucinated the entire day. She saw people working on my house and climbing a ladder to the roof, all through my bathroom windows where the blinds were closed. She held many lengthy conversations with several people, most were deceased. According to her my home was full of people. People were sitting at the table, but became invisible. She asked many children if they wanted to eat. The police called her mind and told her they had been ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door. Several times she demanded me and my husband to look outside at the various people who wanted to come into the house and the emergency crews waiting to get in. Did I mention mom is BLIND!

 Mom told BD, “I can’t believe you man handled your mother-in-law.” In an attempt to get my mom to cease opening the front door, and eat dinner, BD gently took her by the hand. She resisted----so I suspect this is what she means by “man handling.”

I am not completely convinced that Dad beat mom up. Mom was passionate about allowing the emergency crew into our house. She ignored our pleas for her to not open the door, and to eat dinner. Today, she stressed all of us out. And now, even with sleeping pills, she has not gone to sleep. It’s going to be an interesting night!

Extraordinary Service is Not for the Ordinary

9/6/2013

I’m reading the book “Extraordinary” by John Bevere. In the book the author says, “Average should not be our targeted goal in bringing God delight. We should be passionate in our pursuit to be fully pleasing to Him.“ I genuinely seek God in the manner described. I am passionate about pleasing God. I am so obsessed with honoring God, that I stalk Him every day. I have a hunger and thirst for his righteousness and I desire to emulate his love through serving others. My life and service is not average or ordinary. Indeed, I am extraordinary!

Through this book, I hear God answering the question of “why must I be the one to step up and take care of mom?” I’m EXTRAORDINARY, and this is not an ordinary task to undertake. Only those who have the capacity to serve and love in an extraordinary way can handle an extraordinary assignment. I really don’t know how much longer I can handle mom, because I think she needs professional round the clock help, but today I’ve discovered that I, along with my husband and kids, am EXTRAORDINARY! God knew we would do our best, so he trusted us with the task.

WOW! I’m humbled and honored to be used by God.

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Laugh

9/25/2013

Mom has been living with me for a month. Because of undiagnosed mental issues,

she has exhibited quite an imagination. A FEW things has shared that she has seen or has happened in the time she has been with me includes:

 

·         Horses on my neighbor’s roof

·         People dressed in horse costumes with huge sneakers

·         Dead people

·         A giant praying mantis

·         A disrespectful child, supposedly my daughter’s friend whom she has threatened

·         Dead people flying in the house

·         A group of people circling around me

·         City buses riding across my lawn

·         The mafia outside in a parked car, watching the house & waiting to kill us

·         A “mind call” that my dad was dead

·         A dead person saying my aunt was dead

·         An imaginary new husband who was to pick her up, so she got dressed and waited for her

·         People putting out a fire next door

·         The house behind me burning

·         A trip to the ER for food poisoning

·         The “husband” had an accident a block from my house and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.

 

Today, mom told me that I wasn’t black, but rather of Indian descent as her parents, my grandparents were. She admitted that she never shared this information with me before. My response---“I’m just a black girl from New Orleans.” She then said, “You talk like a fool.”

 

Sometimes all you can do is laugh!

Today's Moday

Originally posted 8/23/2013

I called my sister today. No answer. It's been 15 days since I've spoken to her. This saddens me. Still feel alone. SIGH!

Today, I Feel Alone

Originally Posted 8/23/2013

Life for me has drastically changed. The fourth week of July, I was on the mountaintop following a very successful and fulfilling workshop my husband and I conducted in Tennessee. God used us in a mighty way. Before we could really celebrate the weekend’s victory, the day after returning home from this awesome trip, I received disturbing news that my dad put my mom out of the house after he beat her. What really happened, we’ll probably never know. My mom has mental challenges and sometimes it is difficult for her to separate reality from imagination. I do believe my dad’s impatience, pride, and controlling nature has caused him to hurt mom far more than he has helped her and there most likely was an “incident” between them. With no options, I took my mom into my home. August 6, 2013 began a new chapter in my life story. This was the day I became a caregiver to my mom.

 It’s been 17 days of my mom living with us and 25 days since the “incident” occurred. I have experienced a range of emotion. Any life change can be stressful. I am definitely feeling the stress! I don’t resent nor regret my decision to take mom in. Her mental condition borders the line of severe and clinical. Her eyesight has failed. Caring for her is almost like taking in a newborn.  I am physically ill, and some years ago declared handicap by my doctor. I didn’t know how this new change would affect my health. So far, in spite of it all I am managing well.

Right now, I am dealing with anger. Why? I wonder where is my family .  Since “the incident” I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve spoken with my sister. I had to make the decision to take my mom in without her input because she did not return any of my phone calls. She stated her phone was not properly functioning, and I believe that, but it doesn’t erase the fact that there has been a lack of communication. My sister has often called me her “rock”, yet, I have received no emotional support. My nephew called complaining that I did not inform him about “the incident”, and not once did he ask about my own state of mind.  I thank God for my husband and children. They have been there for me.

 

So how am I feeling – alone & abandoned. But I also am concern about my mom. I wonder how does she really feel? She has gone through a very traumatic experience. She believes she has been beaten and put out of her house by her husband of 51 years. She has had to move out of her state to an unfamiliar place. She has physical and emotional pains. Yet, her “so very upset & angry with papa” grandson has not called. Her daughter has not called for her (I called her on her birthday and mother spoke with her then). Her husband has not asked to speak with her (actually, I think he’s scared & doesn’t know what to say). I’m feeling alone and abandoned. I bet my mom feels the same or worse. That makes me angry.

I love my family - my sister, and her children. Right now, I’m disappointed.

Why Am I Blogging?

My life, particularly my childhood, is full of memorable events.  Memorable, not because of pleasant and happy times, but memorable because of the lessons learned from past occurrences. Nothing just happens. Nothing in life happens by accident. God is sovereign, which means He is in total control of everything. Whatever experiences in life I’ve encountered– the good, the bad, and the ugly- I have resolved they were either God ordered or God allowed. In hindsight, I realize there were valuable lessons being taught to me over the years through difficult times in my childhood.

My father was a strict, controlling drug dealer and user. He was a crook who lived a double life. If you were to ask him who are the three most important people in your life, his answer would be "Me, Myself, and I." He was and still is a very selfish man. My mom was oftentimes passive and allowed my father to dominate her.  She never stood up for herself. She allowed my dad to go out, supposedly nightclubbing, just about every night, and not come home until after the sun rose. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know he had to be laying his head in another's bed. My father lived in our home, but was an absentee father. We didn't take family vacations. We didn't hug. We didn't say "I love you" to one another. Heck, we were not the Cleavers or Huxtables! The theme song for the Addams Family would describe my real world:

They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The (my family's name here) Family.

Growing up, because of his lifestyle, I believed my dad was the abusive parent. In hindsight, I see them both as abusive. My parents emotionally abused my sister and I. For most of our lives, we both struggled with low self-esteem.  Growing up, I thought my upbringing and family life was normal. Once I entered adulthood, I became bitter. Years later, I’d openly talk to my husband about my past. Now, it’s time to write what I’ve learned IN HINDSIGHT.  Therapy for me, and hopefully help for others (particularly my sister).